Why you should NEVER open mail

by



Why you should NEVER open mail
#sketchcomedy

This video is part of our Squatters series

If you’d like to support us making these videos we have a Patreon page here: https://www.patreon.com/foilarmsandhog

MERCH from our website: http://www.foilarmsandhog.ie/shop

SUBSCRIBE ➡ http://www.youtube.com/foilarmsandhog
LIVE SHOWS ➡ http://www.foilarmsandhog.ie/tour
FACEBOOK ➡ http://www.facebook.com/foilarmsandhog
INSTAGRAM ➡ https://www.instagram.com/foilarmsandhog/
TWITTER ➡ http://www.twitter.com/foilarmsandhog

source

29 thoughts on “Why you should NEVER open mail”

  2. Thank you F, A & H, you never cease to amaze with finding unusual ways to look at the mundane!

    Here's one reasonably cool mail trick I learned by chance, to know which evil organisation sent you the letter even if they did not bother to write it on the envelope: make one teeny-tiny typo in your mailing address when you register with them and because computers won't mind it that will always show up on the letters you'll get from them! The postman will instantly figure out that e.g. "Cresent" was really meant to be "Crescent" and you'll get the letters just fine. Just one quick glance at the envelope and you'll know who sent it! And if you run out of distinct typo options 🙂 I suppose you could as well add some fantasy house names and still get the mail. Plus, you'll probably make your postman laugh. Or scratch his head 🙂

    Reply

  23. I got a load of post that was really junkmail from a company called "The FriendsLottery and it got worse every week.
    Started with one envelope, then the envelope got bigger and fuller. I chucked them away, but I felt bad about the environment and the wasted paper.
    It was addressed to "To the person that lives at..", so they didn't have my address. Despite that, they posted it there and fully ignored my (official) "NO COMMERCIAL LETTERS" sticker.

    After a few months, I called the FriendsLottery and asked them to get me out of their system. The guy asked me what name and address that was. I gave him my name and address.
    The next week, I suddenly got the same mail, but now addressed to Emma Surname, at my address. Hadn't seen that one coming, now they could legally surpass my sticker too.
    I called again and confronted them with this. The man at the phone tried to convince me that it was a great opportunity to become a millionaire with FriendsLottery. He wouldn't stop trying.

    So I started sending the envelopes back, with a whole story written on the back, about how I care for the environment and don't want any junkmail.
    I then received 3 times as much mail, about 2 envelopes per week and extra Bonus-cards and envelopes full of special opportunities to become a member of the FriendsLottery.

    So, then finally I had enough and since the FriendsLottery had a Freepost-address (they/government pays for it) I got a big box and gathered all the rocks from a nearby buildingspot until the box was full.

    Because I felt bad for the person opening it (perhaps expecting something special) I decided to already make my intentions clear on the outside of the box, with a few angry slogans and some passive-agressive stickers. I also included my address and name (because I wasn't ashamed of my actions and wasn't afraid of repercussions) and the kind request to remove me from the system.

    I then added two seperate envelopes. The first included a letter (handwritten) for my Best Friends, of the Friendlottery. I explained how I had already received só much from them, even after telling them to stop, that I felt like sharing something too. Best Friends share everything, so here was part of my rock-collection, to use as paperweights for their company.
    Or decoration, or to paint on. Rocks have endless use.
    The letter was also decorated nicely and it reminded them that if I ever received something again, I would send another amount of rocks. But that it would be best to stay friends and NOT send anything again.

    In the other envelope, I put an old collection of BestFriends stickers (never used, I don't have any friends, why do you think I had time for this petty action?) and BestFriends-stickytattoos. I also made some bookmarks. The stickers and tattoos were to remind them of me and (in the case of almost sending me something again) to remember I did not want anything.
    The bookmarks were colourful and ready to be handed out to the whole department. They said; 'Your best friend Emma kindly requests that none of you ever send anything again."

    The cherry on top of the priceless friendship was carrying the ultra-heavy box to the postoffice, having the lady yell out; 'Oohhh but that's nearly 25 euro's!" and me grinning and saying it was a PostFree address. You could hear the rocks rumble as two people carried it to the back of the room. I felt bad for the future postworker that would have to carry that, but I hoped it would be delivered in a car with many others in a large box, not by hand, walking down the street.

    I waited for two weeks (the next day the post came and it had junkmail, but I figured my package hadn't arrived yet) and after two weeks it became clear that my Best Friends had listened, and had not send me anything else!

    So when recently my neighbour complained about 'Send this back with your membership-agreement!"-envelopes from another Lottery, I decided to use his envelope to anonymously send that Lotterydepartment a (friendly!) Eastercard and the kind reminder that their junkmail was unwanted. I'm planning on sending them a lot more, whenever I feel like it and have an extra card at hand. I'll anonymously keep them up to date about my life, send them postcards from holidays, or maybe send some leftover items that I don't feel like bringing to the thriftshop. It's a FreePost-address, I can send anything I want.
    You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

    Reply

Leave a Comment