Gender roles and societal expectations can create different pressures for individuals. These roles and expectations construct how people are expected to act, speak, dress, groom, and conduct themselves based on their assigned gender. These social factors make it difficult to diagnose autism in women, especially with contemporary research that suggests women are better at āmaskingā than men. This video features women who shared their various takes and experiences with high masking, whether or not they were consciously doing it, the costs that come with high masking, and how all of these had affected their personal and professional relationships.
šļøTimestamps:
0:00 Introductions
6:37 What is Masking For You?
6:44 Lizās Masking Experience
9:39 Hannahās Masking Experience
12:28 Shannonās Masking Experience
17:39 Angieās Masking Experience
22:49 Claudiaās Masking Experience
29:57 How Does Being Woman Affect Masking?
30:17 Lizās Take
31:56 Shannonās Take
36:16 Hannahās Take
38:08 Claudiaās Take
40:46 Angieās Take
43:06 Hannahās Take
44:39 Shannonās Take
46:00 The Self-Discovery Process After Masking
46:38 Lizās Experience
47:48 Hannahās Experience
51:01 Angieās Experience
52:28 Shannonās Experience
1:01:00 Claudiaās Experience
1:04:20 What would you wish the world to know?
1:04:25 Lizās Take
1:05:32 Claudiaās Take
1:06:56 Hannahās Take
1:08:51 Shannonās Take
1:12:02 Angieās Take
1:13:31 End Remarks
āāāāāāāāāāāāāāāā
šWelcome to Autism From The Inside!!!
If youāre autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
Iām Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.
Yes, I know, I donāt look autistic. Thatās exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didnāt show you, you would never know.
Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into whatās happening for us on the inside. Weāll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what itās like to be an autistic person.
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Thank you for using your platform to share these experiences. I had no idea I was masking. I just thought I was bad at life. The mask would inevitably fail and my life would fall apart.
Both self and daughter have been diagnosed in last 5 years with ASD and ADHD, to go with our Dyslexia and Dyspraxia as well. I'm 55 and she's 29 in next few months. Much love and respect to all.
Thank you so much for this! I am self-diagnosed at 64, after one of my adult children was diagnosed. This was validating and gave me so many ways to express my own experience.One of the hardest parts of self-diagnoses is self-doubt, and these women mirrored my experience in so many ways, ages, and stages. I am retired, and this has made me able to live unmasked for the most part. I don't have to be in social situations anymore, and I find that given the choice, I will choose to be home and only interact with my family. I also have a YouTube channel (TheZenWitch) based on one of my lifelong special interests, and that one-way street gives me a platform where I can explore my interests largely unmasked (I think–š).
40s and just figuring this out. What a relief. Ive always felt im from another planet and about 10-15 years behind average life milestones. SO GULLIBLE. I have been taken more times than I care to admit. Im finally catching onto people now.
This discussion was wonderful.Ā
I have been wondering for a while if I have autism. I am diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and depression, but have always felt there was something more there. I also am a high masking individual, for example, I almost dislocated my hip the other day playing limbo at my niece's 4th birthday party and nobody knew. Why? I kept a straight face and acted like nothing happened. MEanwhile, I am sweating, feeling my face go white, and can't put much weight down on my leg. I am not good at responding to people when they are panicked about something I have done and/or has happened to me. There are many more reasons why I feel I might be autistic, but I want to research more before I self-diagnose.Ā
Love this page!
I know this is such a small thing BUT I've got a fixation on glasses and frames. Claudia, if you see this, can you please tell me where you got them or what they're called? Thank you!
Omg, the part about not being able to journal – I relate so hard to that. Also, which things do I write down? There is so much, which details and things are the ones that are most important? And when I read those two couple days from childhood I did write about in my journal – its funny how much time I spend describing something random and all these details that went into describingā¦
This is so recognisable for me, I masked my whole life, being really good in reading what the āroomā wants from me. Analysing what people want of me or expecting of me and doing it. Always exhausted and burned out. Taking over emotions of other people and mirroring their behaviour. But during my intense therapy for the last 3 years, I am learning who I am and to recognise when I am masking, so that I can have more control over my choices, my thoughts and emotions. Which is hard. But step by step, I am trying to stand more for who I am, and hopefully be closer to myself eventually.
34:00 clarified differences in gender perception for me. General to specific vs specific to general (deductive vs inductive ) . That dichotomy as a source of conflict to many things was a really helpful discussion
Masking = watching people to learn what to avoid. Yes. Exactly. That was precisely how I did it.
"Not a book store; I don't care!" Amen! I try to avoid baby and wedding showers.
"I leverage my femininity to give myself more freedom." Yes. I can be more cute, weird, and truly myself than can my male counterparts, I think.
"My idea of having fun is very different than that of the neurotypicals." Yes.
"Did I party right?" Yes.
This is wonderful. Iām so grateful to hear my thoughts come out of other mouths. So helpful. Iām sure Iām autistic. Iām 69 and finally found out what is ā wrongā with me. š Iāve known a lot of this from yrs of trying, so itās not new to me. But, to be validated feels amazing. Thank you all. ā¤ļø
Shannon and Claudiaās masking experience is relatableā¦itās very debilitating at times as a POC woman with little access even in ASD spaces but Iām healing a lot of self esteem issues knowing Iām not a complete f**k up…I am autistic with co-morbid conditions. It brought me some hope and validation to hear these women share how they carve out pathways to navigate in the world. 45:32 šÆ šš½
Hannah's advice (towards the end of the video) to consciously unmask to find out your baseline is really good, to practice "unmasking" sometimes, when we are safe to do so, to learn who you are and what you feel. The consequences Hannah talks about are really real too. We can't go back, but it's worth it. Journaling is quite good for this, as we can start to practice to be honest with ourselves there. We can start to practice to be honest with ourselves there (though I know it's difficult, as was also said). Living in dishonesty is a terribly place to be, even if we're doing it out of survival instincts, it seems to take a lifetime of practice to move out of. "Unmasking" is a spiritual practice in my opinion, and one every human being has to go through, it's just that, unlike neurotypical people, "masking" is so uncomfortable and undesirable for autistic people, we so want to be honest, and live in reality, and honesty is so natural for us. We are living in pain while we are masking. That's the conclusion I've come to in my lifetime so far…
Thank you Paul for another amazing video! I wonder if you have any plans to cover the topic of autism and OCD combined? I see this a lot in my client work and there are some overlaps within these two conditions. For myself, I also find it difficult sometimes to decide if a particular trait of mine constitutes social anxiety or autism. It would be interesting to hear more about these topics.
I was watching this and my heart was pounding because everything the ladies mentioned rang true to me. I started making a list. I always knew I processed things and though differently from the average person but always dismissed autism because of how I view/act in social situations. I found myself thinking throughout this video though; do I consider myself social because itās natural to me/ I feel comfortable in those situations or because I am effective at it? In other words, am I āsuccessfulā at socialising because it comes naturally or because Iāve built a persona that is very good at it? If I went into a social situation without my extensive preparations or without my tools and tricks, would I be comfortable. The answer is no. I would be very uncomfortable. But then I think, doesnāt everybody do this amount of prep? Then I started thinking about all my interactions – with my family, friends, relationships, coworkers, over the phone, emails etc. and started to realise I never go into any of those interactions ācoldā. There is always a script and there is always a persona. Iām re-evaluating a lot of things now and itās clear to me I have spent most of my life masking.
It was good to hear that there are other people on the spectrum with fragmented memories and who are bad with numbers, I'm of average intellect but my memory is shot. In the videos I've watched people come of as very high functional. I've been diagnosed with AD(H)D and I think I'm on the spectrum though doctors have disagreed because I come of as too socially adept. But I can come along with people but it's really difficult to make friendships and maintain them in any deeper level. The constant fatigue doesn't help. I can spend days in bed without talking to anyone.
Would be great if you, or better themselves, Shannon and Angie gave their soc media links or other ways to contact. I'm in North Ohio, so I might be in the middle somewhere. Looking for autistic people with an experience of diagnosis, since I haven's even started the process yet…
I am from the U.S.A. 55 yr. I learnen about autisim last year and subsequently self identified as autistic. This is a new perspective and has allowed me to view my mental health differenly and this has given me more clarity. Finally understanding that I don't always understand sarcasim, can be very litteral in my understanding and can be easily manipulated has made it easier to avoid so many pitfalls that I used to be a victim of.
On the topic of masking, I don't think I have ever been sucessful at that.
No wonder "masking" is so prevalent among women, both autistic and neurotypical.
Women learn to pretend. Make-up, dress, speech, all forms of lying, I mean, masking.
I have always been blunt and straight-forward.
Actually, my skin-sensitivities have prohibeted me from wearing "products" like creams and lotions and mascara. I am plain and straight, and fairly bold.
Too many women are so timid about themselves. Just be your damn selves. Don't mask to fit in.
You will die.
Of course it took me a while to figure this out.
The lady in Tasmania nailed it for me regarding masking. It's about "fitting in" as best we can, yet it comes at a great cost mentally, emotionally, and even physically, and requires probably 2-3 times the recovery time behind closed doors than normal people might need. Dx'd 20 years ago and I still struggle with it because I mask well enough(?) for friends/family to not understand why I must retreat so often, that it makes me wonder why, as well.