You’re the Fly
Over a year ago, when I was living in Cape May I decided that I needed to figure out exactly why you were interested in me, Ze, considering all the little flirty messages you seemed to be sending my way. Was it just to shut me up? Keep me from talking about your cult and the evil practices that I suspect you’re guilty of? Did you see someone who you believed was talented at manifesting? Perhaps an intellect you could utilize for your own purposes? Did you want to use me for channeling energy, some kind of sex magic, a virginal sacrifice? What?
I had already begun to strongly suspect that most of the obstacles I had been facing were caused by you and your cult. Perhaps you meant it as a double edged sword kind of tactic – wear me down and test my resilience at the same time – hoping I would either give up or eventually join you out of exhaustion and/or fear for my own life.
At that time, I was persevering. I was working full time, even though it was a job I hated, and a physically/psychologically taxing job at that. I was paying all my bills, taking care of myself, and staying clear of my mother, her “help”, and her influence. I guess I was impressing you then.
Based on what I had already surmised about your cult, I figured that you were likely all very “survival of the fittest” minded people, and that you would not want me if you thought that I was fat, depressed, and floundering.
So I cast a kind of spell on myself. I made up my mind to flounder. It wasn’t that hard, really. I just let myself start to take in all the recent traumas I had suffered. I made myself really think about everything that the Thomas Pilone incident implied, sat with my mother’s newest betrayals playing on repeat in my mind, let them wash over me and settle in for the long stay, instead of just keeping my eyes on the horizon and focusing on getting you caught. Then I began reliving all the old traumas of my past, and found fresh ones by forcing myself to acknowledge that it’s probably too late for me to have the family I’ve always wanted. And it was all down hill from there. Although, the spell didn’t seem to fully begin to go into effect until after you made the offer for me to join you, and now I think I know why.
As I said before, a famous anthropologist once told one of her students that the first discovery she recognized as being a sign of civilization was an ancient corpse with a broken femur bone that had healed. This meant that the person had a group of people who truly loved them. They were fed and protected and cared for, even when they had nothing of value to offer the tribe, nothing except for their very existence. The tribe did not simply abandon them to die of their injuries. It was enough for their tribe, their family, that they just were, that they just kept being. That is love. That is humanity.
I spent this past year showing you vulnerability, very real depression, misguided words, and the aimless subsisting that comes along with that. All you seemed to do was sit back and watch. From what I can tell, the most action you took was to send me cryptic messages in videos – more confusion, sneakiness, untrustworthy behavior from your end. You failed to be open and straightforward, which, I shouldn’t have to tell you, is what someone needs when suffering from a sense of hopelessness, paranoia, distrust in Life and God, and generally feeling like the walls are caving in around them.
Essentially, you left me to die, after pretending to have a care for me. I’m not entirely sure what you creatures are, but you have failed to genuinely display even the tiniest spark of humanity. So I’m not sure that I should treat you like human beings at all.
Human beings have a sense of self sacrifice for the greater good, for a cause. What is the hill you’re willing to die on, Ze? Who is the person that you are willing to fall on your sword for? Do they even exist? And please don’t say that it’s your children. If that were true then you wouldn’t have abused them in order to fashion them into the same survival obsessed monster that you are.
The monster doesn’t know how to fall on it’s own sword. Like the fly or the shark, all it knows is survive survive survive. Be resilient. Be stronger than the other guy. It’s mantra is, “If I had to suffer these things then so do you.” Like every reptile that abandons it’s offspring to fend for themselves. Like my mother, telling me that if she had to endure back pain then I should have to endure too – her excuse for waiting 14 years to finally take me to a back specialist.
So, to reiterate, Ze, you are not the Man. You are the Fly.
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