How Witness Protection Manages to Keep a 100% Success Rate



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Video written by Amy Muller

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34 thoughts on “How Witness Protection Manages to Keep a 100% Success Rate”

  1. We had a guy in my neighborhood when we first moved in my parents called "witness protection guy". The guy moved in right when the neighborhood was built, was never even seen there (garbage cans ana cars would be moved so signs of life but nobody ever really met the guy) then one day out of the blue, the guy was gone. Just moved out after a few months. We have no idea if he was actually witness protection we just called him that because that would explain the oddity of the situation. Moving in, not talking to anyone, then leaving like you were never even there. Even stranger, this was before the internet but the house sold right away before they could even post a sign in the yard.

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  2. Investigator: “Your mob informant didn’t show to court to take the witness stand. Did something happen to him?”

    WITSEC: “Nah, not sure where Tony Caglionne went, he must have gotten cold feet.”

    Investigator: “Hmm – well what about this unidentifiable body we found ditched at the crime family’s usual spot?”

    WITSEC: “Oh, we already looked into it, that’s not Tony. This was just the body your typical boring, middle-aged, run-of-the-mill, small town Midwest local beer delivery truck driver with no notable features named John Smith.”

    Investigator: “Oh, hmm. So did John’s friends and family reported him missing?”

    WITSEC: “Nah, John Smith is your typical loner. He doesn’t really have friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, a boss, car payments, a mortgage, tax history, or really any record of his existence whatsoever. He doesn’t even have credit card or bank accounts or any other financial identifiable information. He paid for everything in sequential $20 bills. Really it’s no surprise he wasn’t reported missing, he kept such a low profile.”

    Investigator: “Yeah, I guess so.”

    WITSEC: “Well, good luck finding Tony for your trial, no idea where he could have ended up.”

    Investigator: “Yeah. We’ve got this other girl, a secretary, who would take the stand, but she’s a little nervous.”

    WITSEC: “Ah, why didn’t you say! We can help with that. We can set her up with a new identity, let’s say Jane Smith, your run-of-the-mill small town midwestern girl . . . If she’s still got cold feet, just let her know, we’ve got a 💯 success rate protecting our informants!”

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