Can an avoidant man truly fall in love with you? How can you recognize his love if it looks completely different from what you expect? In this eye-opening video, Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist, reveals how avoidant partners show love and why it often goes unrecognized. If you’ve ever felt uncertain about your avoidant partner’s feelings, this video is a must-watch.
Learn how to bridge the gap and help your avoidant partner express love in a way that resonates with you. Discover the secrets behind avoidant behavior and why traditional methods of expressing love may not work with them. This video is part of a mini-series debunking myths about changing an avoidant man, leading up to the launch of the “How to Love an Avoidant Man” video course. Join now and catch your early bird discount: https://adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
If you’ve ever felt hurt or misunderstood in your relationship, Adam breaks down the neuroscience behind avoidant behavior and how it affects bonding. By the end of this video, you’ll gain valuable insights into your partner’s perspective and understand how to create a more fulfilling relationship together.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: https://youtu.be/FBKGtZiMRso
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The 4 Attachment Styles Guide – Free! 📥
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear – A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
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Chapters:
00:00:00 – Understanding the Signs of Love from an Avoidant Man
00:02:51 – The Brain Chemicals of Attachment Styles
00:05:45 – The Measurement of Love in a Harsh World
00:08:46 – The Brain Chemistry of Avoidant Men
00:11:24 – The Death Spiral
00:14:11 – Understanding Avoidant Men
00:17:04 – The Disconnect in Love Languages
00:19:59 – Understanding Avoidant Men
00:22:52 – Unifying Approaches to Love with Avoidant Men
00:25:54 – Understanding the Truth
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Dr Smith. I am watching this as a man with this attachment. Most of your videos seem to offer assistance to women in these relationships. What steps can I take to improve on my own? Thanks.
Is there a way for someones oxytocin, gabba and other hormones to be tested to prove an avoidant's brain chemistry?
Yes avoidants please let us know how you show love in your words. And thank you again Adam, this work is so needed today
Fascinating !!! Thank you
For anyone new to this channel and trying to absorb this material…here are some notes.
If you are in a relationship with an AM and you feel unloved by him, consider the role of these brain chemicals:
Avoidant Men have high Cortisol (stress hormone) and maximum dopamine (pleasure hormone) plays a big role in their thinking process.
1) Oxytocin: social bond hormone
2) Gaba: stress reducer released when you have high oxytocin
3) Vasopressin: problem solver
4) Serotonin: mood enhancer/anxiety levels
5) Dopamine: pleasure
Avoidant men obtain resources (including power and wealth, which equals safety in himself) and manage stress through dopamine. They show you love by sharing their time and resources with you. They’re unaware of their own stress levels. Needs are mismatched: they provide protection/resources, but you need connection and emotional support. Most Avoidant men don’t have the brain chemistry to meet basic relationship needs at home or work, so long-term relationships are difficult. In order for relationships with AM to be sustainable, you both have to learn how to unify your love language styles. Engage in mutual experiences to increase his vasopressin (mate guarding) hormone. He needs to acknowledge how your brain chemistry works and how you love him and be grateful for your efforts. He speaks through a risk-managing dialogue and you overwhelm him with needs, so he shuts down. You both need to learn how to unify your approaches by taking the course.
Thank you, this was totally helpful. I was traumabondet since childhood. After a whole life of narc-experience, im 50, i ve figured out red Flags and I found that Avoidant. He only wanted to met me one time a week, first three month. I had hard times becoming aware of my inner limmerence and vigilance. I learned staying cool, friendly, fair n loyal. In any case he healed me. Im now stoic, safe and factual loved now 🙂
Thank you, so many lights went on in my head about my parents, my self and my late husband, who was also a high functioning autistic. We both were avoidants. It was not obvious in the beginning, all was very lovely, but eventually stresses brought our cortisol levels high, and a downward spiral began in spite of our best efforts. More marriage counsellors need to understand attachment theory and how to work with the hormones.
Pfew. Amazing talk once again. This one was so honest, Thank you for that.
I have one question left. I know that cortisol, plays a big toll on our nerves, and eventually on organs as well. It can easily make you burnt out, right? Im talking about physical health over here. So.. isnt it also in the quest of the avoidant person, to lower their cortisol over time?
And about trying to heal certain parts within themselves, for a higher quality of life.
What are the approx stats about that, or what is your experience. How many times do people take action in this, doing it for themselves, without someone encouraging them to do that. With or without a partner, so do speak. I am curious about that.
Thanks in advance, sir! ✌️
As a recovering Codependent, I am trying not to take on more than my share of responsibility for the relationship, this feels like a step backwards. Especially with someone that has not taken responsibility for working on his own issues and refuses to talk about it.
I‘m a bit confused, in the „how to love an avoidant“ series you talked about being warm, nurturing and patient towards an avoidant because they‘re like scared cats. But now you said it‘s not gonna work and it‘s just flooding him with love he doesn‘t understand. Could you elaborate this again I‘m sure I misunderstood something.
You just proved to me that in this case, he doesn’t love his wife.
You must be describing the average avoidant men. In this case, the avoidant man has been repeatedly unfaithful, deceptive, lied, flirts, uses attention from females to get the dopamine hit, can’t say one thing he values in his wife. Provides a place to live and food. Not convinced that means he loves his wife.
I have been alone my entire life, There has only been one girl I've ever loved and I hid my feelings from her, partly out of fear of rejection, but more so because I knew I didn't have the social skills to make a relationship work. I don't know if I'm an avoidant type or not, BUT I'm very familiar with Cortisol and Dopamine. I Don't know if I've ever felt any of the others. At 52 years old, I know I've missed out on a lot of things. I want to feel these emotions, but I've been alone so long, I'm afraid to try. I'm tired of life always feeling like a battlefield. I'm trying to build social skills by always talking to the cashiers in stores (usually Walmart). Its usually a short conversation, but I'm more comfortable talking to people I don't know. This video helped articulate things going on that I knew were happening but didn't understand why, such as always being on guard. I will watch other videos in this series, and hopefully I can finally put the pieces together I've been missing for so long. Thanks for opening the door, I hope I can step though it eventually.
Sounds like you know your stuff. Thanks for sharing- it was validating…. it is sad so much pain and confusion for no reason- just not understanding each other.
Wow… early early on in the relationship, I recall him stating “I don’t get attached.”
Yet, he’s never been able to stay away from me for 18 years hahaha.
Dear Adam,I love this video and all the ones you have put out about Avoidant men. I want to take the course you mentioned and I was wondering if you can pay in installments? I live in Japan and get paid in yen and the yen to dollar rate is so sad right now…..
Brian, your Channel is a real
Book of revelations!
Can you pls. Talk about, if/how a relationsship between two avoidant Partners can work?
Thank you!
❤
Is it normal for an avoidant guy to only need to see someone every two weeks and turn sex down even when you’re both getting along and he’s seemingly happy with things?
It’s almost impossible to stop the dopamine train 🚂 Both avoidant men and women in my life have ridden that high over and over 😢
Thank you. My boyfriend is a avoidant,I can understand why he is this way due to his terribly abusive parents that never showed any type of love or affection at all. His childhood was lonely and playing like a normal child wasn’t even allowed. I feel sad when I think about it. He on the other hand has turned that pain in into determination to become a very successful man. He puts 1000% into everything he wants to do, he NEVER fails because he will not except failure.. I have so much love and respect for him. But that’s the hardest part about being with avoidant person, I see him fight tooth and nail to never fail at anything, but then when it comes to our relationship all i need is security and reassurance from him. I need to be told at least once or twice that he doesn’t want to lose me.. but he gets annoyed when I talked about my feelings. I have cut my affection,
physical touching and talking about how
much I love him down to what feels like never. It’s hard when you just want to cuddle and hold hands but the person gets annoyed, that just hurts my feelings. The thought of us being together “forever “ stress him out too.
Do to certain circumstances that came arise in our relationship the last couple months, I have been stressed to a very unhealthy point. I don’t even know how I let myself fall this hard. I’m glad that I stumbled upon your videos tonight.. if he watches this and wants to actively grow with each other, then maybe there is hope for us?
Mine told me " love is an option" he believes you can choose to live…that it's not involuntary and is completely rational
Hi, thanks a lot for the content, can we also have a version for disorganized attachement ?
Hi, I have a very special history with a man who is a classic avoidant type. I would like to be more able to deal qith the feeling that I am completely in his hands, because I dont want any other man in the whole world. I just hope to behave for our next meeting, the fourth, and dont look too nu eedy or cleangy, the Love Goddess help me!!!! Thank you for your videos
So it's a "Chemical" issue? I was under the impression it's personality driven. For instance I was extremely agreeable almost naive and after a while I started to understand that people will abuse that type of adaptation so now I have become moderately agreeable more disagreeable as a strategy to avoid being hurt. I'm still very open, loving and optimistic but I am very discerning with whom I share myself.
❤❤❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Only difference is they don’t listen to your feelings. My ex would leave the room or turn music up. He would invite me over a lot but then would ignore me and just do chores. None of that felt like love. He would pay for dates but even was begrudging about that because he hated spending money.
So what’s their ideal? To just be with a partner who always wants to give them dopamine and who never wants to bond? Can that exist?
The clean shaven look agrees with you!
Wait, I’ve come to understand that avoidant people have narcissist tendencies. These are not things women can change about a man. Especially if he has addictions and refuses to take accountability for their side of the street
How about avoidant hetero woman? A dead end of civilisation?😅.I m pleasant,nice woman..but i get bored or i don t trust men
My avoidant partner recently equated his devotion to me to his new car, and because I now understand how he thinks and values things I was able to roll past my initial disgust with with this concept and recognize several things. He feels he has adequately and thoroughly researched me and the risks and rewards involved in being attached to me, and he considers me a good investment! I was genuinely touched rather than offended. Thank you so much for helping me understand how to translate his language of analytical risk measurement into my own feelings language. 💖 Game changer. 😁 This channel is absolutely worth my investment of time to listen.
holy shit, i'm an avoidant woman and a lot of this really resonates with me. it explains so much why all of my relationships fall apart. i've really got a lot to think about, and work on.
Thank god I found you! I am struggling for 3 yrs waiting for this man, I kind of broke his trust by calling his family member. He loves me but doesn't trust me.. I didn't know how to get him to understand my anxious attachment.. it felt like an uphill trying to get him back in communication even. 😢
This describes me and my partner perfectly. He has done very much work already trying to accept my weird talks of feelings and needs. He is so capable and hardworking, never gives anything out of his hands. Whenever I just want someone to just give a kind of "I notice" or "I care" feedback regarding my own work (making my rental flat into a home, clean up the attic or basement), his only response is to help me do it fast and thoroughly. It hurts him that I would just like the experience of having done it myself, rather than getting it done quick and effectively. It's not easy. Just having a meal together or sitting by the sunset is not possible with a man who is always on the risk managing and dopamine, fixing things way of life. He never leaves this state, not even in his sleep. And I feel I need to jump to do things alongside him for him to feel calmer, even if I feel my own half of life is not flowing at all. Be the strong woman on his side, as there is nothing he is as afraid and rejecting as weakness. That does burn me out. But I am also proud to ve the only owman in his life that has had such commitment from him.
I wish so much I had come across your videos sooner. I'm having a, what is probably going to be, a final conversation with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We're both 36, and I've had strong feelings for him since I was 16. We were together for only 3 years. I've been doing a lot of inner work on myself while also learning about and doing my best to understand things from his side as well. Too little too late, though, I suppose. It really breaks my heart. I love him so, so much, and he means the world to me.
Dang. I wish I had seen these sooner.
Wow. My mind is blown. Thank you for explaining the brain chemistry piece so well. And the rest was like you had a camera in my house for the last year of my marriage. I was 100% that wife trying too hard to make it work. First, he stopped all physical affection. Then, he withdrew by literally moving away. Finally, he started cheating with multiple women. Chasing those dopamine hits for sure! Easily the most painful experience of my life, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my God given days than risk being in a relationship with an avoidant again. ETA- I thank the good Lord every day that I never had children with that man, I can't imagine the damage he would have done to them.
Hello 👋🏽 thank you for such great information. Will a changing the the hormones released “cortisol” help with this as well. Like a supplement of GABA? Amongst others?
jesus… so, women, damn if you do and damn if you don't. It's all up to the woman to baby her avoidant partner so that the little boy inside him doesn't shut down- cheat on you, or totally shut you out. No sex. I stayed with this shallow, avoidant man because we have children together. After 26+ years of torture, I'm done. These "little boys" have very fragile egos and need a lot of "mothering". It doesn't feel right to have sex with a man who acts like a 10 year old; 10 yr olds don't get how to connect emotionally and spiritually, therefore, it is non-existent in couple relationships. I feel for my children that they have an avoidant father who shows them "love" by being a good provider, but cheated on their mother. And, he's an dopamine junkie- spends more time with co-workers and in the gym than he does with his wife.
I don’t understand any of this. Can it be made more simple for some of us to understand 🥹
Thank you
Hi,
I feel that by default I have a secure attachment style – for years, it was not a problem for me to trust people and get into relationships that were fullfilling. However, I have other problems, and in my early 20s I made some missteps in life, partying too much, getting invloved with wrong crowd and getting into a relationship with a woman which left me drained and emotionally destabilized for 6 years of living together and hoping for her to change and accommodate some of my needs. I know that there is a possibility of flipping attachment style, and I think that I might have gotten avoidant because of my experiences. Is there a possibility of you touching upon the topic of changing attachment styles also from secure to avoidant/anxious and how to deal with that? I feel that over time I am slowly recovering and getting back to my baseline, but damn it is a whole trip and a lot of work.
What behaviors would you look for to indicate that the avoidant is effectively bonding better with oxytocin and vasopressin?
Instagram "models", Facebook self deprecating sex workers, Only Fans prostitutes, and porn have literally ruined the world. I refuse to date anyone involved in "enjoying" such things and since it's literally EVERY man alive….I'm doomed to be single and unloved forever. I'm so angry at social media and the clutches it has on society. I honestly don't even want to exist. I've been single for 20 years and I'm only 48 y/o. I have no hope whatsoever. I'm an amazing woman with so much love to give and it's pointless.