I want to make it clear that I am *both* grateful to have a partner that has kept my basic financial needs met over these last several years, and also very aware that I would be effectively homeless and carless overnight if the relationship were to end for any reason.
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I kinda live on the AvPD Reddit lol. It can be a bit of an echo chamber but I feel less crazy there. Last year, I cycled through 14 different jobs. I was desperate for financial independence. My mom was annoyed with me and kept telling me to apply for disability. I refused, it felt like I was giving up on myself. 😓I ended up applying at the end of September. I wish I was capable.
Factory jobs are "great", you get treated like a number & forgotten about. Ahem, yes please!!! 😗
The trouble with an actual worthwhile job is climbing the ladder which involves scrutiny & putting yourself forward, then even after succeeding it might not be sustainable long term. For me, I've found some success with my own online business & while it isn't perfect, I thank jeff it worked out, because can't imagine what else I'd be doing right now. Glad to see regular uploads, keep em' coming! 😊
Service industry jobs were the WORST possible place for me, having similar issues. Easily, being a nighttime janitor would have been far more beneficial. I emotionally masked up and gritted through intense soul sucking (for me) jobs that others breezed through. The best I can offer is to try to switch some part of your thinking to what you WANT, instead of what you don't. The more you do this, the easier it becomes for your brain to choose constructive thinking. Mental habit training, no easy way. In dealing with my chronic pain, they've impressed upon me the need to do what I ENJOY to amplify/free up energy for the doing things I must do, and that's really helped. And maybe time for a big happy reward once you do "X," a 🏞️ to head towards? Best to you in your new pursuits, sounds like you're on the edge of good new things you're ready for, Maxine! 👍😎
Maybe try a book store. Im avoidant and have some sort of learning disability and ive lasted 20 years in various book stores. Usally their patient with things.
Thank you for sharing your experiences! Feels good not to be the only one with such problems.
I'm working for the first time in my life (besides 3 years of formation with school and work) and I'm so thankful I work from home most of the time and only have to go to the office once a week. Now I realize that working is not the problem but going outside and meeting people. I'm not lazy, apperently. 😀
I nearly don't have to talk to anybody, I just read and correct texts. Best job for me, even tho I could do so much more in terms of my potential, but not with this disorder and the other things I have (chronic belly pain, intolerances and maybe a light form of fatigue).
My biggest issue now is that my collegues are like friends and meet in private, too, but I, after nearly one year, just can't connect to them and still feel like it's my second week. They don't know me at all. I barely talk when we're in the office and it's so stressfull every week. I even don't stay there the time I'm actually supposed to stay, but luckily noone says anything (I barly can work/concentrate there).
But I'm starting to get the feeling that they maybe talk about me because I'm so awkward. At least I'm scared they do. There would be resons to do so. It's sad because I actually like them, they are very nice, and I'm scared that at some point I will have to leave, maybe because they like to have someone that talks more, is more socially involved, or because I cannot hide my shortcomings anymore and will feel too bad not managing to connect to them …
I'm sorry, this comment isn't good, but I don't know how to do it better. I'm tired now and have to sleep. Good night from Germany. Best wishes for everyone. 🌻
I'll simply 'nod' in understanding, today (self-check)… Not as a self-excluding, but because I haven't established the report, and trust – and, that I may be being a bit needy, for response, etc (I may be pushing some of the very 'buttons', by being inadvertently, 'demanding' ) – I will say, anecdotally, when I called in sick (or, was chronically late), I may not have had the flu, or a cold, etc – though, the stress, and anxiety, made me literally ill… so yeah… Cheers-,
You asked about what the opposite of freedom might be. In my opinion, that could be slavery, at worst. But as anyone who's taken first year philosophy will know, we give up a little of our freedom in exchange for a net gain benefit, or at least that'st the idea. But your degree, something I don't have (only 36 tranferrable credits towards a BA), will give you an edge and likely allow you opportunity that is far from slavery.
I understand all too well what you're dealing with, and rejection sensitivity can be (and often is) coupled with myriad mental health conditions, and definitely with ADHD, AvPD, and MDD. Not that my saying so will make your search any easier, also understand there are those as myself who have, for more than a decade, not held a job for mor than three days in over 13 years (Amazon fulfillment center as a package handler, and the conditions were so bad that it was triggering panic to the point that I was scared stupid, and felt extremely unsafe around all the ever-present conveyor belts and machines that were not the sort of things I felt safe working around, given my propensity to be clumsy). So, in some manner or another, I feel what you're going through. I've been applying for jobs for months now, likely well over 100, and nothing but rejections, if I hear anything at all. But, like you said, that doesn't relieve us of the burden to keep trying, and that's what I'm going to do.
One minor moral bone to pick, though: I don't think it's useful to direct blame as shame or guilt on ourselves for the states that have led us to where we are. We have to change the dialogue of approaching this subject with careful consideration, specifically that the ills we face are no different than if someone were to suffer from glaucoma or diabetes; sure, there may have been external factors contributed by the individual that led to such things (poor diet, lack of exercise, use of alcohol, failure to manage high blood pressure, etc), but there is more to it than the cult of personal responsibility would like us to percieve. This understanding, however, in no way is meant as a relieving of our aforementioned duty to ourselves and those around us to keep trying our best, but rather a matter to be weighed in consideration when applying any moral judgement against ourselves for something that, in large part, is sometimes beyond our control, even with the best clinical help available.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to share and speak my mind on these things, as I have little to no outlets to express these things to those who understand them so well. Thank you for sharing, I find it very helpful to hear that I'm not alone in such a state.
I work at a grocery store as a cashier and deli clerk and totally relate to what you said about the jobs not being hard but the anxiety associated with having to interact with people is just unbearable. It's like the emotional equivalent of pouring rubbing alcohol on an open wound over and over again.
I completely understand about being a freelancer and dealing with APD. I live alone and have managed to keep a roof over my head despite it, but its a tightrope walk.
OMG thank you so so much for this… That's exactly what I'm going through constantly with jobs… Just can't deal with the social aspect of it, like expectations that people have for me… Thoughts of work take over my whole life; when I get home I think of what I did during the day that was bad or wrong and I can't stop thinking of the following day, waking up and going to work again… It's too overwhelming for me and I can't enjoy life because that's all I think of… I don't know how people can work 5 days a week that's absolutely crazy to me.
The only job I could get as a teenager with a basic education was front line customer service. An avoidant little person who had to deal with hundreds of people per day.
An exercise in guts grinding.
It was either this or live in poverty as my family had done. One fear competing with another fear. After 19 years of this torture I was burned out, useless. Afterwards years on welfare. Eventually a disability pension. I guess I could say I have survived. I must be hard to kill.
Having any mental condition & being able to hold a job is a superhuman feat to me.
I feel so absolutely seen by this video, I genuinely want to show it to my loved ones to help them understand.
I'm quite young (22), so I haven't worked too many jobs, mostly summer work. I recently graduated with an accounting diploma (similar to an associate's degree in the US I think? Idk I'm from Canada lol), and landed a job right away. It was 20 hours a week at a small company where everyone was very nice and accommodating. I thought that the part time hours and lack of customer interaction would be enough to make it manageable, but after the first 2 months I started to once again experience exactly what you've described – the unbearable dread knowing I have to go to work the next day, calling in sick frequently, the compounding guilt for missing so much work… Eventually led to me having two no call no shows in an attempt to get myself fired, and when that didn't work I quit.
I'm currently considering taking an online program to become a medical transcriptionist. I would work remotely as a contractor so kind of like freelance but with a bit more stability. I'm worried about social isolation and motivating myself to work without an enforced schedule, plus I won't exactly be rich with this career path, but I think it'll be a job I can actually hold down and function with. Wish me luck!
When I was in college I studied molecular biology and I worked under sterile conditions and nobody could talk for fear of contamination. Also the hood had a huge fan that made a loud and very pleasant woosh. Excellent work for us neurodivergent introverts!
I am bad with advice, but definitely don’t give up. ✨☀️✨
Afraid to watch. But I will
It is good that you make changes in life step by step, at times we need to make difficult decisions in life to change but it is better in the long run. Also, This might be too deep and a personal question, but have you ever felt suicidal or so depressed and hopeless that you feel there is no point and too hard? How do you cope with that?
Have you considered using your talents to make an ASMR YouTube channel?
A year is the absolute longest ..Yep.
Also a plethora of jobs lol, the only ones that I actually loved were the ones that were temporary and working with kids.
Calling in sick , or leaving sick while there or just stop going and hide. Pure panic describes it perfectly, it's impossible to explain to others how some mornings you JUST CAN'T DO IT!!!
Thx for this
Not sure if it's already been done but I'd love to hear about your childhood and points you think contributed to this disorder