Welcome to SEASON 1 EP. 6 of You can Always Change your Mind.
Time stamps:
0:00 Play
0:19 A few disclaimers
Intro 3:58
Victims v. Perpetrators 4:23
The Shame Game 12:05
Feelings/Display Rules 22:44
A reason to love 28:45
Seven Generations 31:06
Getting Personal 37:22
my links:
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@khadija.mbowe
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/khadijambowe
Podcast: https://theleftovermillennials.buzzsprout.com/share
booking: [email protected]
Some Reads
All about Love- bell hooks
The Right to Sex: Feminism in the Twenty-First Century- Amia Srinivasan
Permission to feel- Marc Brackett
A Decent Life- Todd May
Podcast
The Bad Show
https://radiolab.org/episodes/180092-the-bad-show
The Behind the Bastards 4 parter on Clarence Thomas
https://www.iheart.com/podcast/105-behind-the-bastards-29236323/episode/part-one-the-clarence-thomas-story-99759984/
source
When was the last time you held someone accountable without using shame? (TIME STAMPS ARE IN THE DESCRIPT!)
I deleted my Twitter the moment I realized how many people’s default is bad faith arguments. Also, the way people dogpile onto others without 0 context is disturbing
as someone who struggles w mental health opening up is very hard. so overcoming that shame and stigma and feeling confidant enough to open up to a large audience is amazing. also i agree that somtimes shame isnt the answer in education. And we have to acknowledge that alot of the time these folks aint coming from a bad place. Everyone is the hero of there own story. But Boi it is NUANCED like somtimes these people just need to fuck right off (:
I love your voice
Seventh Generation Principle – "date back to The Great Law of Haudenosaunee Confederacy, although the date is undetermined, the range of conjecture place its writing anywhere from 1142 to 1500 AD. The Great Law of Haudenosaunee Confederacy formed the political, ceremonial, and social fabric of the Five Nation Confederacy (later Six)."
Really thought provoking vid as usual, thank you!
23:30 Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett, Ph.D. – Display Rules – example: angry black woman trope
26:30 the ruler method
27:00 not tolerate bullshit – but with love
25:30 insincere apologies
I don't ever ask for an apology, and I don't think one has ever been requested of me. With companies that mess up my bill or order, for example, I request or insist on a fix or refund. In interpersonal and online community communication, I share my own perspective or link to other people, but I've never said "Now, say you're sorry." I was always flabbergasted as a kid to hear other kids' parents say that – why? What's the purpose? I'd want different behavior, not a worthless sorry afterward.
I say "I'm sorry for . . ." (sometimes "my apologies") when I've made an error that I'm now rectifying or when I've been inappropriately gruff or unkind. I only say it if I mean it.
I used to be grumpy about how "apologize" is a description when "I'm sorry" is the actual act of apologizing, but that was an unintentionally exclusionist (gatekeeping) idea on my part, and I'm glad to now understand that other people can actually mean "I'm sorry" when they say "I apologize," just as long as it's not blaming the injured person. For example, "I'm sorry IF YOU we're offended."
There is this saying “if in table of then ten there are two nazis, there are ten nazis around that table.” I believe that if you as a anti fascist remove yourself from that situation then the hope is lost. It isn’t even about turning the heads of the malicious, it’s about giving the ignorant a change
Not only are you beautiful, but your intelligent and wise as well, not the mention funny. Keep on thriving queen 👑 I love your content! ❤
Love this so much, so important. 2 thoughts:
First: On the "listen to her" concept, I really think it's a case by case basis where we need to understand who has the most societal power in any given situation. "Believe her" comes from the reality that "she" almost never has more power in any given relationship. But given racism and classism realities, and other societally demonstrable power structures, sometimes "she" IS the more powerful person in the interaction. In those cases, it's the less powerful person who needs to be believed. Sometimes it's hard to tell who has more power, and in those cases you kind of need to believe both people even if that makes no sense, because maybe it's a misunderstanding, or maybe there's genuinely no truth to be found without witnesses or evidence. Bottom line, though — the more-powerful person can self-protect much more effectively that the less-powerful person, so if the less-powerful person is daring to come forward at all, that's the story that's more likely to be true.
Second: thank you so much for sharing your ideas about apologies. I hate them so much. I hate when people apologize. I find that people apologize in order to avoid growth or accountability, not because they feel remorse. They use their apologies as shields against actual amelioration of a situation. I am honestly more likely to be angered by an apology than comforted. You want me less angry? 1) listen to me. 2) demonstrate that you understood me. 3) make me understand that you empathize with my experience, or at very least respect it, human-to-human. 4) present a plan of action for avoiding the problem in future. A remediation of the problem is great (buying me a new copy of a CD you ruined or something simple like that), but that's not always possible. At no point in that do I need someone to feel guilty or ashamed, or to self-humiliate or make a fuss or even say "I'm sorry". I don't care whether or not you're sorry. I care whether or not it's going to happen again, and the only way to avoid that is for the person who hurt me to listen, learn, and take action to change.
In closing, you're completely right about binaries. And you're awesome.
i do try to educate people on twitter until they pull out a bad faith argument or attack me personally. if we’re talking about ethics in fiction i don’t need someone accusing me of dating high schoolers
Babes, you are 100% right about "a switch going off" when you hit 30. I have no idea what it is. You know who you are and if someone else has it wrong, they have it wrong. Just the other day I was talking to a 29 year old coworker like, "I am so excited for you. You are about to lose at least half the fucks you have to give." I learned to embrace my anger and speak my mind to advocate for myself and others. I'm about to hit 40 and I'm pretty sure I'm about to lose the last of those fucks I have to give.
Thank you for your openness 💕
Thank you so much for being open and honest about the diagnosis, this will help so many ❤️
You're videos are currently part of my nighttime routine. Washing my face, brushing my teeth and listening to Khadija
Thank you
People who get offended by everything are just as much a. holes as people who try to offend everyone.
It took me 20 years to admit to myself or others that I have BPD. It’s the ugliest illness that grows the most beautiful people. Thank you
Haven't finished the vid yet but in regards to the "believe her" mentality, I now say "take allegations seriously" because I, too, have a problem with such a black-and-white kind of thinking. We shouldn't automatically dismiss allegations but we shouldn't automatically believe them either. I'm currently reading Conflict is not Abuse by Sarah Schulman and she discusses this in depth. I don't agree with everything she says, but I think she makes some excellent points, especially about the similarities between the way traumatized and supremacist react to discomfort and challenge (hence the cycle of abuse). Fascinating book.
I also have BPD! Such a stigmatized personality disorder. It is so hard to explain to people. People I know and met with BPD are the kindest people I know. DBT is amazing I have been practicing it for 6 years now and it has changed my life. Radical acceptance baby
I am dating and falling in love with a person who is not vaccinated, holds different beliefs about a lot of things, and has a lot of culturally ingrained homophobia. I try to take this as an opportunity to learn to actually listen, not be reactionary and angry, while standing for my own beliefs and argue in earnest. Our differences are enough to make me think that this will not last. But it is an opportunity nevertheless, it's challenging in a great way. Sometimes it can be very lonely trying to be compassionate, when most of my friends are staunchly on my side and would never "let someone say xyz".
I feel like im missing something with this video? idk im 12 minutes in and I haven't really grasped the theme of the video yet. I love your content Kadija, but this videos seemed to not really connect with me 😕